How hard can it be to feel… How hard to communicate what’s actually going on? How hard to be honest? How hard to stay strong. When sometimes you feel so lonely. So deeply misunderstood. So vaguely grasped by anyone. How hard can it be to stay alive within this form. How hard to not give up. When all you wanna do is rest and be silent, still. Surrender to what lives within, to what got stuck.
But we don’t. Or at least I don’t. Instead I just pretend that I am all the things I want to be. The nice and funny, sovereign, resilient and strange. The wise and strongly confident, mysterious and skilled. But am I really? Is it really - True?
I doubt it. I doubt a lot of things at the moment. Why so? Because I haven’t sufficiently payed attention to my Self, because I haven’t voiced my fears, my pain and agony. I haven’t cared for me. I pretend to be resilient. I pretend not to pretend. I pretend that I am ever strong and willing to make things work, that I'm committed. But I’m not. I just proceed with who I think I think I am or thought I thought I was or had to be in order to feel loved and seen.
I don’t allow it all inside. Do I? Do you, does he? And who the hell is „he“ again, another someone, deep romance, another lover to your hands? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t even know who these voices are, chatting in my head so how am I supposed to know who’s he and where we’re at?
He’s reading. I’m writing. We’re taking space. Right now at least. I feel better when I’m by myself, which is a lie. I feel best when we are dissolved in each other and none of the above matters anymore. When we don’t worry so much about our sweet little egos. When we just allow our love to take us places that lie beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations. But often times we pretend that we forget and then we pretend to want something else. Something more sovereign, more free, or what ever the projection may be. I’m not even saying it’s not true - it might be after all. But this is not it. What it is, I don’t know.
Right now the left part of my physical body is in quite some pain because I fell off my skateboard earlier today. It reminded me of my feminine that I had been neglecting once more as I was pretending to be strong and inexhaustible. I’m still neglecting it. Instead of lying down and nurturing my inner being, I decided to sit and write despite the triggering pain.
Distance. He wanted distance and I pretended to not take it personally. What good would it do, is what I kept telling myself. I know it would be good to be vulnerable and connect from that place, but I refuse. If he refuses, I’ll refuse even more. And here I am, being the same hurt child that I had always been, pretending to be strong and big and independent. If I could I’d probably cry, but right now I can’t.
Sadness is my ally, not a weakness or an enemy. Although it seems as though most people have a different understanding of what it means to feel sad, therefor I hardly feel received in my sadness in a way that I would like to be. Often people tend to feel sorry for me or want me to feel „better“ immediately. But to be able to actually show up in our sadness is something so deeply healing, something graceful and profoundly beautiful, something honorable and precious. What a gift to be able to witness and hold space for such humbling epiphany. I wonder what that means and what’s the teaching.
Why is it so hard to be true to our feelings? Because no-one ever taught us the importance of it? Because of early childhood trauma? Or because we have been conditioned and manipulated so hard to feel separate from each other and from source in order to be controlled, programmed to feel alone and because of trauma, keep ourselves stuck in the same old loops of self-abandonment, because in the past we had to give up the connection to our true genuine authentic Self in order to survive?
I feel distant to him. But really I feel distant to my true authentic Self. I feel the same old familiar loneliness that I don’t know when it began ever but remember as always there present. I feel isolated on this planet and this realm. I hardly ever feel that I belong on earth and often wonder why I’m here. And yet I think that probably lots of people feel that way and it might not even have so much to do with me particularly not belonging on this planet or feeling alienated from it. It probably has more to do with our society and less with us individually.
I face the same old human behavioral patterns as anyone else I’ve ever met and probably ever will meet. I feel unworthy and therefor behave as if I was. I feel separated and therefor separate myself. I feel distant and that’s how I distance myself. The opposite of what I would like, but to get what I would like I’d have to break this pattern, this cycle. I’d have to stop pretending and even though it might sound ridiculous to your mind - that can feel life-threatening at times.
Would I then always act out my inner child, in those scenarios I mean? I wonder. Connect to my heart? Connect my belly, my center, to the earth and sky? Do you even know how to do that? To know this should be your birthright. I have so many resources that I would like to share with you, with who ever feels called.
Something like a de-conditioning course crossed my mind already a few times, but I wouldn’t want to set up a structure for it without you. That would just be another way of manipulating you into believing a new version of the „truth“ only that it would be my truth - brainwashing you again. Not really what I want. Actually not at all. What I want is to fulfill my purpose here on earth sooner or later, what ever the hell that might turn out to be. Right now I am just writing what ever comes through, listening, typing - actually it’s happening simultaneously, there is no difference between the two.
If I would dragon dream, I’d say, I wish for you to ask me questions and I’d reply to my best abilities in full honesty and humility because I know I know nothing. I might receive exactly what you need to hear but there’s neither prove nor guarantee. There is just me. And it. Happening through us as we exchange energies, silently sitting, talking, thinking, reading, writing, dreaming. It doesn’t really matter how. There’s always an exchange.
We are infinite loving awareness going for a hell of a ride here on earth
to experience separation from source from the inside.
It’s just what’s happening and why it is happening, I really have no idea. I am awareness witnessing. Witnessing, allowing, sitting, breathing in and accepting the reality of what’s appearing. Here & now. Not really on purpose. More simply because I am.
Witnessing loneliness, fear, anxiety, pain, loss of control, being kicked out of a home - resilience, empowerment, cosmic re-direction of spirit, alignment - self-judgement, doubt & worries, analysis, therapy, conclusions, peace of mind - ecstasy, excitement, joy, laughter, pain, surrender, humility, action, void, control, let go and be - here, now.
I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I’m writing about, I just am and you know what, it doesn’t matter. Which maybe isn’t true, maybe it does but I have no access to it whatsoever. I have no directions or anything like it. Just intuition, play, allowing, sweet surrender, trust. I have me. And me is who I’d like to keep remembering. As awareness and as myself, what ever that means.
It resonates on some deep level and that’s what’s important. Recognizing yourself as what you truly are and operating from that place. Not your thoughts, the told and untold stories, the limiting beliefs about yourself, but the presence of your innermost being. I might be able to show you a way or two to feel what that actually means. Maybe you already know and I am just talking to myself. Which could be great, too. But in case you don’t - message me and we can talk.
I wish to open more spaces that are real and nourishing and built authentically by all of us equally, from a place of essence, of presence, of love and innocence, of joy and excitement. The space of an inner YES to life. And we get there through allowing all to come alive in us, through surrendering to the mystery that we are each moment unfolding.
Through allowing sadness, grief and overwhelm. Through being vulnerable and soft and tender with ourselves. Through being naked and through touching our own skin. Through simply being here without wanting it, which is us, to be different. That’s the essence of the teaching.
Loving awareness is expressing itself as grief at this moment in time. Loving awareness is expressing itself as doubt or fear or overwhelm, it doesn’t matter what’s appearing - it is us that wants to be witnessed in all of it. Why not give us the time and space we deeply desire? The moment of genuine connectivity we deserve to come alive? It’s all so simple and yet seems to be the most valuable information I myself have ever received. We just want to be seen. And I’m not speaking about the ego, that’s just the shadow side of it.
All life needs is to be witnessed. All feelings need is to be felt. All anyone needs is to be listened to and be accepted with an open heart and mind.
In order to be fully nourished as an individual we need to be seen in our uniqueness as much as in our ever-connectedness. We need to be seen in our distinctiveness and in the way we fit the bigger picture. What we long for is to be mirrored back our place here in this life. We need to know our place or at least gravitate towards it, otherwise we can never be fulfilled. Now I don’t necessarily always know my place. I keep on searching just like the rest of you and that’s how I realized I will never find it. It has always been here. It cannot be over there.
It doesn’t make any sense because I am here. Which means my place is here. Right now right here. And then it can expand and move and travel and become what ever it needs to become. But so far it has to be here.
Just like your place. Right now, right here. And in this we are connected, we are the same. Unknowing loving awareness surrendering to their own sweet mystery while choosing to expand our conscious ability to grasp what the actual fuck this is. What we are. What is here. Now. Unknowingness. Reaching out to reach us.
So come back to center now. Rest. Breathe into your belly and sigh out loud if that’s what has to happen. Trust it. Trust yourself. It’s all you’ll ever need to do.
