What is the story that I tell myself about a version of me that is inexhaustibly joyful and in love with life? Who am I then? Where am I? What am I doing? Who’s with me?
„I am free. Roaming with the horses when ever it pleases me, when ever they call. I am free. Walking barefoot in a forest and swimming in the spring nearby. I am free. Sitting by the waterfall, listening to the birds. I am free. That’s what I am. That’s what matters.“
What about all the other stories? Stories of me as an artist, an actress, a teacher, a shaman, a therapist? Is this mere voices of the ego-mind calling me here? Or was I indeed supposed to accomplish something in this dimension, something that would last? Who cares? Do I really care? I doubt it. I very much doubt it. Or is this just my mind again running a low frequency because I try to escape where I’m at?
Now the psychological pathway would begin but I choose to not go down that road. Not now. „Relax“, I tell myself and „just breathe“. You are okay. I am okay.
„Yes, I am okay. But I am not happy. I am neither happy nor joyous, nor am I in love with life. I am okay and that’s it.“ What am I judging? Can I not be curious? „I could but I don’t care. Too much pain buried underneath and I can’t be bothered to feel it all again. Not again. Not today.“ That’s what I tell myself although I know this is not how it works. This is never how it works.
Sometimes I think I know too much, I have all the answers and yet I’m still here. I know how to deal with almost anything and yet sometimes I couldn’t care less. I rather watch myself deteriorate but even that is a lie. I hate doing that but „hate“ would be too strong of a word. I despise it. Some days just rip all the energy off of you. When you don’t want to heal, you just want to be. You don’t want to feel, you just want to be. You don’t want to look deeper so deeper wounds can show. You don’t want any of it. You just want to be left alone. Not lonely but alone. You just want to be.
Can we not just enjoy now? Find a quick fix? I can’t even watch a movie because I’m too aware of how I depress my true feelings. I can’t distract myself because the fact that I’m just numbing out is calling me right back into presence. And presence? I reject. I don’t like to be present now. But I can’t help it. I have to face it. What ever it may be. And I hate it. I hate that the good old days are officially over where I would just do what ever the fuck I wanted without giving a damn about myself or Truth or whatever it is that is calling me now. I hate that suffering arises when ever it wants to arise and that it forces me to listen and to feel it.
Suffering is so self-centered. Like who are you? Ancestral trauma that apparently I signed up for to heal because I’m oh-so-strong and ready for it. Give be a break. Please…
At least I can still make myself laugh. Art is so generous, it is so giving. It might even be the opposite of suffering in that sense. It might be about self but it’s like an evolution out of the victim game into the world. „A queen knows how to feel the world and turn it into art“ — mmh I love that line. It’s basically that.
„Suffering needs to be felt and dealt with but once you do you can turn it into art and share it with the world, as a gift, give it back, transformed, healed. It doesn’t even have to be healed, sometimes art is the healer and we just need to show up.“
Today is one of those days. Yesterday was exhausting beyond words and I felt trapped in a situation where I was physically locked into a car with people I did not wish to share this enclosed space with and one of my core wounds came to say hi and get noticed. „They take up space, so there’s no space for me.“ „I don’t have any space meaning I don’t matter meaning I don’t belong here meaning basically, I am worthless.“ Such a simple road to go down. Not an ultimate Truth but true enough for a child to buy into. Now I’m not a child anymore but what happened is I used the same defense mechanism that once served me to protect my tender heart only that now it doesn’t serve me anymore, meaning it simply didn’t work.
By shutting down and compromising my own space and needs, I abandoned myself including my inner child that is here with those same needs that already weren’t met a long while ago. Now there’s two of us suffering. Her because I don’t show up for her and me because even though I am aware, I can not break this pattern. Not today. Not now. That’s so painful when you know exactly what is happening but you still don’t manage to move. You’re still frozen like you’ve always been frozen when this same old pattern occurred. Once dissociating might have served me but now that I’m fully aware it leaves a terrible mark on my being.
I tell myself that this is the first step, first you experience the situation that way and next time you will be able to speak up. And even though I know that this is true it still doesn’t lift me up. „Maybe this is not supposed to lift you up, maybe you are just supposed to feel how this is making you feel.“ My higher self gets madly annoying. Then there’s this battle inside of me between my higher self and my ego-mind until I dismantle my „higher self“ as just another voice inside my head that simply claims to know-it-all. It gets so tiring. And yes I am not supposed to spiral deeper into it and give it even more of my attention. I know. I KNOW — goddamn it. I know, okay? I get it. Sometimes I don’t want to get it and yes my heart literally aches when I speak this way because it urges to remind me that this is not Truth and I just need to surrender but sometimes I DON’T WANT TO SURRENDER, okay? Is that okay?
This is what I needed. To state what was true to me in the moment and allow it to simply be there. By admitting how I felt and figuratively yelling into the keyboard of my computer, I suddenly surrendered. I breathed out and into my heart and the pain immediately faded away. Acceptance is still key. Even though this simple Truth doesn’t fail to annoy my ego-mind. It is still true. I am okay. I am okay.
I wrote this text up until here about a week ago when I just got back to Berlin. It was so hard to adjust to the density and the rhythm of the city and at the same time not lose myself. I was so thrown out of my center like I wasn’t in a long long time. I am sharing this because this is me, too. I get a lot of feedback of people who genuinely look up to me and admire me which is beautiful. But I am just as human as you are. I may be very aware but I struggle sometimes, too. Here’s a reflection of that for you to see that we’re all in this together and for me to acknowledge my ordinariness and honor the mundane. It’s normal to feel stuck. It’s normal to feel directionless and purposeless and all the unpleasant we’d rather avoid. It’s normal to not want to feel all of our pain.
What matters is that we stay connected to Truth. That’s all that matters really. Voice how you feel, own it. Even when this means „I don’t want to feel anything right now and I’m not going to do anything about it.“ Allow yourself the way your are and don’t try to manipulate it into something „better“. Learn to love what is and learn to be with it even whilst you hate it. That’s what’s healing. That’s the work.
Stay blessed, my love.