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the absence of love

I could probably write a thousand songs starting out with „Who am I“ and „Why am I here“. It gets dull when I think about it. Like is there anything else my mind wanders off about? What’s my purpose and what am I bringing to the space? Always those same questions. No answers. Only presence. I am present and that’s it. That’s what I bring. I bring my presence. And in a way I think that’s enough. Only that there are more voices hiding and cowering behind that simple statement of I AM. It is enough and yet there is more to it. Or isn’t it?

Holding space not only for all parts of me but all parts of everyone else. The longing to be perfect in all areas in the sense that there shouldn’t be a person or a behavior that I shouldn’t know how to handle. Life goals? Or momentary illusions that penetrate my time-space continuum?

Why are we here?

To give and share what we bring I think. Our uniqueness. Which involves receiving each other’s unique expressions of the essential, too I assume. If we give, something must receive. But what if we don’t want to receive what another is bringing to the space? What if they are rude or too much in the sense that they overpower or even massively hurt others? What then? Is it still my presence that I must offer? Unconditional love?

The wind rushes through the trees to respond with a loud roaring YES as if to say this is exactly what you must do. This is what you must learn in your own unique way. This is what we all must learn.

How to detect if someone is coming from a place of deep hurt, unaware of how their behavior is causing the same harmful effect on others. Breaking the unconscious patterns of perpetrator-victim dynamics by stepping out of the circle and into the light. Which includes sometimes putting our personal needs to the side and offer grace to the greater whole of existence that is actually calling for our presence in this moment.

Is it though? Or is it just me who views the world in that way? That sometimes it’s not about us but rather about what serves the moment. What serves the abuser to step out of their box and into the knowing that love is available and healing is a path to tread. I believe that healing is always an option just as much as resistance and denial appears to be. Healing is our natural state of being once we stop interfering with life by resisting it.

In fact this is something I know to be true and not a belief I picked up along the way. I know it and I am living up to the truth of it and yet - sometimes healing takes a whole lot of time in our perception of our tiny lives. And sometimes our perception of a painful reality is wired so deep into our past and even past lives and the collective subconscious that we fail to see it happening at all.

Healing is this invisible thread pushing our perception of space-time forward moving us from one experience to the next, longing to merge and mingle with itself and all that is. Life is this tremendous polyamorous desire to exist and evolve beyond any measures. And healing is a wave to surf just as much as destruction is. It’s funny when I think about it because I can actually hold those opposites in a sacred sense of one-ness inside of me without putting one over the other. I can do this. Even though my mind clearly favors the path of healing and definitely somehow thinks it is „the better one“, I can still hold both choices inside of me in equanimity without needing to do anything about it. And I think that’s beautiful.

What I’m seeing is that love clearly feels better than denial. It feels better than hurt, guilt or shame, fear, resistance or destruction. And why wouldn’t that mean something? There’s definitely something admirable about destruction but isn’t that the fire in it? The same fire that’s alive in anger? And isn’t that the same fire that’s essentially alive in all of life, that is life-force energy in a very raw form?

But what is truly alive in the shadow frequencies? It’s always the absence of it. The absence of love, the absence of trust, the absence of safety and warmth that is causing us to feel cut off from the whole, cut off from our sense of oneness with the world. Which then in the illusion, we definitely are.

And I think that’s why my belief of a ‚righteous path‘ is so strong because without love nothing would be. Love is life expressing itself. And when you tune into that frequency you see it everywhere. Life triumphs over death because it is alive in it.

Life is alive in the midst of dying and decay and that’s why it will always prevail. Which I see equal to love prevailing because how couldn’t it be? The earth is beautiful if we don’t interfere with it. Nature is a fucking masterpiece and how could that ever happen in the absence of love. Yes great songs have been born out of sorrow but isn’t the song itself the love that was missing in the experience that is now finding another way to connect and elevate it to a level where it can heal?

Life is so magnetic and mysterious, so wild and flourishing and unpredictable. Life is a gentle stream caressing your thighs just as much as it is your head banging against a wall when you’re off track. In every case life is what’s catching you when you fall. Life is our great mother, the fabric of this very existence. We are wired into every cell of her being just as much as she is wired into every cell of ours. We are not separate. We can never be separate. And yet it can appear that way and that’s completely okay.

I see it as a training to be here on earth - to forget and to remember, to fall only so we learn how to get up. To lose it all to then collect the pieces and put them back together. Not in a circle but in the form of spirals, ever repeating until there is no more need because we’ve learned what we came here to learn. But until then we’ll be here. This is our playground. We might as well make the best of it. Because I don’t think there’s another way out than through.

A downward spiral into unforgiving denial, blame and rejection of all that is appearing isn’t just miraculously going to end and lead to liberation. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, not the tunnel at the end of light. Isn’t it? How can there be an end to light? Light has no beginning and no end. Light is just as much as love is. Resistance can’t be on its own. It can only be in relation to something. You need to resist something otherwise how will you resist?

I think the point I am trying to make is: You can avoid healing as long as you like. You can turn as many rounds as it pleases you but essentially it is a waste of time-space reality. And I’m not saying ‚heal faster‘. I am saying allow it. Allow a little bit of healing at a time, as much as you feel to be safe and serving the moment. Simply allow yourself to soften a little bit when you feel like tensing up. Allow a tiny little bit of space to enter the complexity of your patterns at play. Allow and observe what it does to you. Step by step. Be gentle on yourself.

All the ‚dark and evil‘ in the world is existing because something didn’t allow it to be there. Something pushed it out of the heavens and exiled it to be on its own. And so that something tries to draw everything into its suffering on a desperate search for connection because it is doomed to no longer know love.

So let’s cultivate this awareness a little bit at a time so we start seeing beyond those patterns and into another’s soul. The core of their being needs to be loved. Just like every other core of every other being. Eventually we may offer our genuine presence to someone in need of re-connection. Reconnection to themselves. We’re just building a bridge. Because essence is and always will be one with source and all that is existing. It cannot be otherwise. Or how could it not exist if its fabric is existence itself?

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Oct 16, 2023

You think too much, you are you, in a multiverse of infinite possibilities, perhaps you figured out these answers, as maybe did I.

Regarless, the universe for us as humans only works in 4 dimensions, meaning it is not possible for us to make any other choice, decision or action than the one we have made in that given point of time. It's all predetermined.

Are you a Pantheist Stella? We are all interconnected through atoms to the metaphysical, all a string of consciousness leading somewhere to the omnipresent, though not possible to obtain without heavy meditation or at least mind altering substances.

I needed to hear this.


Nov 09, 2023
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I believe that there is nothing to obtain. The contrary - it mustn't be heavy or hard. Consciousness is your nature - call it presence, awareness. It is your birthright, it's where you're from and what you are. All that needs to be done to remember oneself as that is to create space for that consciousness to show itself, little by little. Our "best" varies from moment to moment. Meditation is not hard. What may appear as hard is to let go of the urge to control reality and what's appearing at any given moment. But that's just the work. Being gentle with myself is what I've come to know as most effective and efficient.

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