Just when I was about to spread my wings and fly again, this tiny little creature found her way into my life. Someone found her inside of a pumpkin by the side of the road. You know these pumpkins that people sell. She was soaked in rain and apparently had tried to cross the street several times. I don’t know what she’s been through but she didn’t look good when she got here. They brought her to the vet to nurse her back to health and somehow since then she ended up with me. It just sort of happened. I honestly didn’t ask for it but you know how the universe likes to play sometimes.
So now here I am with a tiny baby kitten sleeping on my lab as I write. And just in the past 48 hours she’s been teaching me so many lessons. Actually the exact lessons I have indeed been asking for…
Since I started a new training in Spiritual Therapy at UTA Cologne what I came to realize is that my main focus at the moment will be my grounding. I noticed again how easily I tend to fly away. I have no difficulties shooting myself back to the stars where I feel like I belong. It happens naturally. But sometimes when my body is shaking and trembling, doing things I don’t control but do allow, I lose touch to my own ground.
I was doing a chakra loop meditation the other day where I actually almost lost my balance and fell because my body was shaking so much and I clearly wasn’t grounded enough to just float between dimensions like that. I reach higher realms quite easily but coming back to this one is often leaving me feeling confused and uprooted.
It is my nature to be airy, the dream world and the visionary is where I feel at home. But I am not only that. This is where I come from, my disposition so to speak. But just like for everyone else there is that and there is also what we’re moving towards.
I was planning to spend the winter in Portugal, finally get a van and fly back and forth between some place like Lagos and my training in Cologne. I knew mercury is still going retrograde and it’s kinda pointless to be sure about anything at this point but anyways, I’d still give it a try. It sounded good to me, it felt nice and exciting. Up until two days ago when Minni Maeve showed up. And as I was holding her and tuning into what she wants and needs, she was showing me images of a place close to where I am right now, where I grew up. The place that taught me most of what I know about horses and the humbleness of being from early age. The only place that has ever shown me consistency.
So Maeve was asking me to move there, work with horses again, ground, have a safe space for Lila and her - and… me. Yea, me. I could be in need of a safe space for myself. What a strange and refreshing idea. It’s not an entirely new concept to me, I used to prioritize it a lot. But there’s this other part of me that can push through a lot of things, that can endure a lot due to past experiences and my own disposition.
Some might call it a trauma response - it’s partly that and partly a kind of determination, a warrior spirit I came here to embody before there was any time for traumatic events to occur. I’m mostly quite aware of what I need and tend to fight for it but there is times or moments where I’m forgetting all about myself. Thinking I could bend this self, could shape it in a way that’s suitable depending on where I think I should fit in.
Turns out I’m not so bendable after all. I am quite flexible but I’m also rigid when it comes to compromising my truth. I realized how compromising was rewarded by my surroundings in terms of appreciation and at the same time left me feeling… numb - compromised. Like -I- was actually compromised. -I- wasn’t my true genuine authentic self anymore. -I- compromised myself in order to fit in. I compromised my self to please others and meet their expectations according to their laws and ideas of what one can or should be able to handle and what’s sadly just „too much“. We all have those ideas and morals and I’m not saying they are „wrong“ - they are here for a reason.
Like don’t kill anyone, don’t steal, don’t hurt anyone physically, emotionally or mentally. Don’t scream (in public?), don’t abuse your power, don’t… and here it’s starting to get interesting. Because the further we are taking this, the more it’s becoming obvious that those concepts also vary depending on where and how we’re brought up, our conditioning so to speak. Even if we’re taking this very true and meaningful advice from the Bible „love thy neighbor as thyself“ - the question remains what this means to you in relation to what it means to me or someone else. Maybe I wish to be loved in a way that causes you anxiety because of past traumatic events. Maybe my boundaries differ from yours. They most definitely will because we are all unique.
We all come here with different dispositions (planetary placements for example) and different „real-life“ experiences (how these placements manifest in the material realm). But even if you look at someones birth chart, no matter if through the lens of Astrology or Human Design, Numerology, the Tree of Life or your Gene Keys - you will only ever see how things are likely to manifest in terms of energies. But you will never see the exact life someone is living. The uniqueness and ever-connectedness of everyone they will ever meet that will influence them on so many levels. You won’t see their unique trauma although you might see their main shadows.
The human life experience is so much more mystical and miraculous than that. We are prior to and beyond this form and shape. We are limitless, effortless no-thing floating through space. We are one and we are many. Let’s normalize the contradictory because that’s what life is. Moving beyond the comprehensible. To know oneself as that.
So coming back to peoples boundaries based on trauma and other peoples boundaries that might differ from theirs: The one thing we can do to maximize love and pleasure and minimize pain and discomfort is to speak our blunt uncompromising truth unapologetically. Because only then we can meet each other from that place of genuineness. Only from a place of genuine authenticity can genuine compassion grow.
You can tell me what’s making you feel uncomfortable about me, for example, and I can take that in all the way. The more precise you are, the better I can take it. Because I’m not filtering it through my lens of how I think I should be based on my own conditioning. But I’m taking it as your truth for the moment. So let’s say I did something that upset you (most definitely due to your own past experiences) and at the same time the very thing I did that upset you is causing someone else to open up and release (also due to their past experiences). Clearly there is no right or wrong in this situation but there’s several perceptions that are equally valid with different emotions attached to them. So in my opinion the only thing we can do about it is listen to each other’s truth with love and understanding. If you’re not speaking your blunt unapologetic truth then my reality about myself, what „I did“ and my reality about you is moving further and further away from truth. See, this is how it gets bend. It’s a ripple effect that goes on and on and on for seemingly ever.
You’re not speaking your truth i.e to not hurt anyone or because you’re afraid of how they might perceive it or respond, or because you don’t actually know your truth because you haven’t looked into your own trauma like that and/or don’t wish to go deeper at this point, or for what ever extra reason. You’re not speaking your truth and everyone goes back to assumption land. She probably thinks this, he probably said that, they probably mean - …
It’s not helping anyone. It’s like one shadow reinforcing another. Avoiding confrontation and truth is a huge not-self theme. We’re all conditioned to function in this way from time to time if we don’t become conscious of these mechanics within ourselves. So let’s help each other by simply speaking our truth.
„What you did then was making me feel like ___ and that is due to my own past experience of ____ (neglect/guilt/shame/abuse - you name it).“
That’s how we heal, by expressing our truth to someone with the capability to simply listen and leave it there. We cannot literally change the past but we continuously change how we view it. So let’s help each other view ourselves from different perceptions, let’s gift each other those perceptions.
Truth is something that is being offered. It’s an offering, a revelation from the divine and it can be offered to anyone who chooses to listen. Boldly, effortlessly. Without the lens of their own judgement. And just leave it there. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Also: if you set up boundaries, let the people they concern know why you are setting them up. The more detailed and personal, the better because it is helping them to really see you and not get trapped into believing there’s something wrong with them. In fact there’s nothing wrong with anyone, just different things that happened to us cause us to act and respond in certain ways. Nothing wrong with it. It’s so valuable to share your experience because it causes people to open up and expand beyond their own conditioning.
Something that’s causing one person anxiety is at the same time causing someone else intense pleasure and relief. Something that’s making one person angry is simultaneously making another person laugh and another one cry. Consider that. We’re all constantly looking through our own lens of trauma and conditioning. Every story is unique and so is each perception of what -this- is and how „this“ should or shouldn’t be.
So let’s take a deep breath here.
We don’t always know why we are being triggered and that’s okay. But it is so worth taking the time to dig deeper and find out what it actually is in each situation that’s triggering something in us. What is it triggering? Where has it happened before?
We are all so deeply traumatized, we need to start speaking about it if we want to heal on a collective level. We need to speak about it and inquire compassionately if we don’t want to pass it on to others. Speaking about it and sharing from a place of truth is such a life hack because it is liberating us on so many levels. It enables us to step out of our own matrix and see through someone else’s eyes, feel through someone else’s pain.
If we keep dividing into „your“ and „my“ problems aka pain on some deep level we will always be divided. We avoid going through someone else’s fear/loss/pain thinking that we are protecting ourselves but we are not. We are just cutting ourselves off. Which doesn’t mean we should be available all of the time or feel obliged to process someone else’s shit. That is not our job.
Processing is what we each most do alone. But we can witness. We can hold each other in our pain. We can accompany and reassure each other that we are not alone. We can be compassionate. And unless we understand that there is no escape from anything, that we are all in this together because we are one - we’ll have to do our best to believe it and think of ourselves as a reference point.
How would I like to be listened to? What would I need right now? And if you don’t know, ask. How can I support you? Do you know what you need in this moment? And then respond to your best abilities.
If you must set up a boundary, do so. Listen to yourself first and keep checking in with yourself while you are holding space. If you can’t hold the space, don’t hold the space. And again: There is nothing wrong with any of it. Just keep in mind that as someone is touching your boundaries, they might be close to touching their own boundaries in terms of sharing from a vulnerable place. So just be compassionate. Don’t shame them for expressing up until a point that’s triggering to you. (In that case you would just project your own shame onto them.) We’re all just mirroring aspects of ourselves back to each other. To heal. To complete. To go full circle what ever that means.
The more we detach from taking everything personally, the more we expand to the vast variety of possibilities of how one thing can be viewed. The more we expand, the more our compassion grows naturally because compassion is our nature. We’re just preparing the soil for it. By being true to ourselves, by being open to various points of view, by getting comfortable with contradictions, by listening to ourselves and to others equally. I am you and I am me.
We all make mistakes. This is because we’re in the realm of action. We act and respond to our best abilities and we make „mistakes“. Which is absolutely normal especially when we’re in the process of de-conditioning ourselves. We are unlearning and re-learning all of the time. So let’s encourage each other to be compassionate with that, too. To accept when someone apologizes and to receive and forgive when ever we can. Only when we meet each other from that place of equanimity and mutual respect it is possible for power to flow among us organically, it being distributed where ever it makes the most sense.
Recognizing each other’s „weaknesses“, speaking our truth and forgiving one another and ourselves lays the foundation for trust when it comes to power. We all make mistakes. Ideally I trust that you can acknowledge when you’ve done something „wrong“ and I will be able to forgive you and move on and obviously this goes the other way around. The more compassionate we are, the faster we grow as a collective. Power is nothing that should belong to anyone. Power is a natural force that’s most fruitful when it is free and flourishes when it is rooted in deep self-inquiry. Trust is based on inquiry, belief is just based on theory.
So this was a rather personal share - which feels quite nice actually. I love tapping into the non-dualistic way of viewing life but this human-like perception with all its flaws is also me. I try not be so hard on myself and love my genius and my „imperfections“. I know all is perfect. I know there is no right or wrong but only now which because it’s the reality we face to experience must be perfect. But anyways. I’m rambling again.
Here’s a picture of Minni Maeve.