That which can't be named
Lila’s death is in many ways the worst thing that had ever happened and keeps on happening to me. The greatest loss I’ve ever felt and managed to experience. The greatest pain my physical, emotional, astral and mental body ever had to endure. It still hurts me every day in new and in old ways. Again I’m sitting here crying, weeping, praying without knowing what I’m actually praying for. But always, always, always when I close my eyes, she is here. She just looks at me with those same ever-perfect eyes and a look that says, „What’s the matter? I’m right here“. Right here.
There is something indestructible about life although it doesn’t always appear so in the physical realm. Some call it soul or ether. I think today I like to call it that which can’t be named.
„Oh Lila. How ever-present you are and yet you’re not there. Every day I get to see you. Last night I fell asleep hugging you. This morning I walked by your grave. I miss you every step of the way. And yet I know you’re still walking beside me. When I ask you for advice you always reply. When ever I need to know something to comfort my conscience, you will make sure to be there for me and answer to your best abilities. Still. Just like you always have. And in a sense even more so because now your own physical needs and desires don’t interfere with it.“
We always used to communicate telepathically but I was doubting my abilities a lot while she was still breathing in this realm. Questioning and self-sabotaging, putting too much weight on the voices in my head telling me I must have only been talking to myself this whole time. Today I still question my abilities but the need to know the truth grew bigger as soon as she left her physical appearance.
Lila taught me everything I know about the ever-connectedness of life and death. To be here and to not physically appear at the same time. I was guided throughout the days of her dis-appearing in a way that I had never consciously felt before, despite the despair it was causing me. Everything happened just like it had to happen. Even though a part of me fought against the divine laws and cursed the gods and the whole of existence for ripping me apart from her… I surrendered at last and protected her flame until the very end. An endless end, one might say. For what is ever ending?
Was it over when I covered the last remaining bit of her body with soil? Was it over when I walked away from her grave for the first time or even earlier that day when she took her last breath? Was it over when her candle stopped burning or will it only be over when nothing but her bones remain? Was it ever over or can it never be over because that which can’t be named is still here? Where else should it be?
To me all those dimensions appear to be imbedded in each other, they are ever-connected and deeply, deeply intertwined. There is no there. All of this is here. It is our beliefs that limit us and therefor limit our abilities to perceive life for what it truly is.
How I know? Because I miss her so much that I can’t help but surrender and listen to the more subtle voices in my being, allowing all of my feelings to emerge so when the storm calms down I get to hear her beautiful voice again and see her perfect eyes looking back at me, watching over me from within and above. Of course it hurts. But allowing my pain is the key to meet her again. For some time after her passing I almost lost touch with her. There was so much pain that at some point I refused to feel more of it and the less I chose to feel her absence, the less she could reach me in my presence.
Now Lila comes and goes. As far as I understand, she’s living in some kind of in-between. Some call it bardo. Each being that dies in the physical realm can create their own world afterwards until it’s time to incarnate again. Lila created herself a beautiful long beach where she can run and play in the sand all day long. Those worlds are also intertwined so it seems like she can go anywhere she wishes to be. Sometimes I see her running in the fields next to me. Sometimes she curls up on my bed. Sometimes I have no idea where she is. But when ever I call here, she is right here.
I could say so much more and yet all has been said. My tears have dried for now. The birds still sing their song. Life never stops evolving, recreating, transforming and transmuting itself. No past or future exists here beyond our memories and dreams. Life can only happen now and always keeps on happening. Life itself is indestructible and will forever shift and change its form. That’s just how it is designed to be. Why? Don’t ask me. I have no idea. I can only take in and observe from that which is given to me moment by moment. I have stopped seeking it a while ago. For all I know is all is here.
We are infinite, invincible, inexhaustibly loving awareness. We are that which can’t be named. And so we remain untouchable although our very touch kisses each and every form into existence. It’s funny in a way. The irony of it. I think the universe has a great sense of humor. Dark sometimes, yet always ready for surprise.