doing vs. being
Coming into fullness. It’s like allowing all to come alive without knowing how it might turn out. Without knowing if I’ll be able to hold myself in it. Let alone the fact that I doubt the idea that anybody would ever want to see or hold me in it. Why is it so hard to let someone love you? I mean fully unconditionally love you. Not the nice, the pretty, mysterious, adventurous, sweet and smart. But the dark and ugly, the half-hearted and the hurtful. The angry, unreliable, disappointed, jealous and impulsive parts of me - how could you possibly care to love them? Can I possibly care to love that in myself or anyone? Love you in your fullness? Can I love you? Without expectations, without wanting anything in return, without regret once it’s all upside down and turned around again, once you’re too afraid to be witnessed in your fullness because probably I, too am too afraid to be witnessed in it? But then love seems more of a doing and less of a being when I believe being is the true nature of what love actually is. Can a consensual interaction between two human beings ever not be divine, why is my mind so deeply intertwined with all of that?
Can I not just sit back and relax, enjoy the movie, enjoy the ride? I’m not meant to steer this ship and yet I keep trying so hard to fix it. It’s funny when I think about it. Universe is driving, it is all just happening. I’m sitting at the back seat, the only seat in fact. And from time to time I jump around and get all irritated looking for the steering wheel because a thought comes by that tells my mind I have to do something, work somehow, call someone, go somewhere, change something about what is just happening. The shadow of interference creeps into the wholeness of my being and wants to mess with life. Not just my life, life in general. Let’s mess with it, let’s mix it all up and see what happens. It’s funny isn’t it. It’s like life is actually messing with life itself, taking shape and taking form simultaneously in infinite ever-changing ways. I love the simplicity hiding behind the complexity of it all. And I love to think that somewhere somehow I am free despite the undeniable fact that I’m always gonna be a part of it and it is always going to be a part of me.
Do I need to identify every shadow in order to be able to work with it? Meaning being able to navigate through and transform into a gift, a higher frequency, hidden purpose so to speak? So many questions today. Not many answers. „That’s okay.“, I tell myself. Because I knows that I needs to hear that. It’s all part of allowing, accepting and embracing what ever is wishing to come through you at any given moment. It’s a trip, for sure. How conscious can one be? How long do you remain aware before you drop right back asleep, into unconscious patterns, reactions that keep playing out and that you have no control over whatsoever. You don’t even think about it. You don’t feel it. You are not aware. And then huh just a moment and there you are again. Aware. Awake. Conscious. Here. Now. Simple. Isn’t it. It’s like a light switch going on off on off on off on - huh it’s nice, it feels good to simply be here now. I am. I just am. Until the thinking starts again. Mmh what am I actually doing here, I’m not doing anything I should be doing something. Interesting isn’t it. All is good, all is perfect until thought comes in and tells you no no no it’s not perfect yet, you need to do something to improve what’s happening. Improve that which already is perfect at any given moment when you could just allow the beloved to reveal herself to you. And when I say beloved I mean the world. I mean the universe. Our mother. I mean god. I mean you. The other. And me. I mean everything. Anything could reveal the world to you at any given moment. Miracles always happen just because or you could say for no reason at all. And it’s not about the reason, I understand that more and more.
I used to look for signs and reason all the time, now more and more there is emptiness and unknowingness. And sometimes I find it hard because I realise there’s only so much more for me to know. I am not here to know it all contrary to what I used to think. That I should find all the answers. I won’t. Because they are already here, it’s more like they appear in the right moment. They appear and they reveal themselves to us just because it’s time. Like a flower blooms just because. Like I sit here and write, just like that. Like you sit there and read, just like that. Simultaneously and yet in our physical there is differences in time, there is differences in space, in reason maybe. But what we share is unknowingness in why we do what we do and that’s beyond reason and that’s where it connects us, beyond time and space. It’s magical in a way and yet there is no magic to it. There is only miracles. Unfolding before our eyes in every moment we’re alive. And even if we wouldn’t be, our conscience never dies. So in a way we can’t escape to be alive in some form or another even if that form is formless. In a way we never die. And that’s overwhelming and terrifying to me just as much as it is filled with liberation and peace. And with that consciousness in mind I am desireless. Because I know there is nothing to achieve. Nothing at all. And it doesn’t mean it’s not possible, achievable, it’s just that it is happening anyways. Growth always happens. Change is just what’s happening. It’s inevitable. Just like it’s inevitable that we are alive in some form or another. We can’t escape it. It’s why we are here. And the essence of all? Is just love. The love of source itself for existence itself, or should I say themselves? We are so many, so so so so many and at the same time we’re all one inconceivably gigantic entity that’s constantly perceiving itself through the other. Exchanging breath, exchanging rhythms. Just to witness the miracle that we are.
To me that’s embodiment. Allowing all. Witnessing all. Without judgment or interference. Without wanting to change anything about it. About a situation, a supposedly fact or another being, a current state we’re in. Unconditional love is pure witnessing, allowing, accepting and embracing oneself or another. There are uncountable ways that interaction and therefor growth and healing can take place. It’s just that most times we don’t allow any of it. Too scared, too many thoughts, too unexpected, too unknown. And we don’t embrace but instead unconsciously choose the old, the known, the seemingly save patterns we created as children to keep us going, to somehow keep us sane. But we were not sane at all. We were just pretending to be. Wholesomeness is sanity, not pushing away what we are too afraid to face.
That’s like living in a see-through box that seems identical to the world where you fill out the form but that’s only because in fact that box is really really small. And if you’d take it away there would be so much space that the idea of that vastness simply kills your brain. So you prefer to remain in the box because you know it’s cosy, nice and warm and it’s all you’ve ever known and that’s okay. Until it’s not anymore. When you realise you’ve been trapping yourself all along. Avoiding yourself through avoiding to truly meet the other and there you are finding yourself feeling helpless which matches the victim state that you need to find yourself in to be able to justify your own thoughts and actions to yourself. And that cycle keeps repeating until you consciously or unconsciously break it - and there is no better or worse, only multiple ways. We repeat until we heal and yet nothing really needs anything to heal. Healing is not a thing, it’s not a doing, it’s a no-thing taking place spontaneously when someone listens with an open heart or shares with an open body and mind. It only requires one thing and that’s awareness. Or you could say two things: presence and attention but that’s just another way of putting it.
Only you can step out of maya and see for yourself, only you can unveil the truth for you. I might be able to guide you there, give you an idea of what that could look or feel like once you drop all that theory again. These words only hold the meaning you give to them. Just like your life holds the meaning you give to it. You are the creator of your dream and you can step out of suffering at any moment if you wish. Not at any cost. You must allow, accept and embrace what’s being given to you. Let it be a hurtful thought or memory, a person you fear to see again, or any other state of consciousness that’s calling on your name. Let them have their way with you. And relax. There is nothing for you to do. And I promise you won’t loose a thing, only that which doesn’t serve you is invited to gently leave your being. Your body knows how to deal with it all.
It is made for it in fact, it’s what Red Hawk calls the human biological instrument. Bodies are made to transform lower frequencies into higher ones to feed the creator and therefor feed the whole. And you do that by simply allowing all that urges to come out of unknowingness into your awareness. Allow it, invite it, nurture it. All it wants is for you to find yourself in wholeness, reminding you of your completeness, your vast divinity and never ending grace that you essentially are made of. That which is your essence, love. Let it reveal itself to you. Through pain and through suffering healing is emerging, healing is invited to spontaneously happen. Just like a miracle. Just like every moment we’re alive and dead. It’s just what’s happening.
Free will is the realm in which you choose what you want to do about it, if you want to do anything about it. Is there anything that needs your doing in this moment? Or is it maybe just your being that is needed. Because of that I’m sure. Your beingness is needed. It is valued and it is inevitable to everything else existing. You belong, right here. Right there. You simply belong because you are. Otherwise you wouldn’t be. Contemplate that. Allow yourself to. You have nothing to loose. And I’m not saying doing is of no good. It is. But it’s the doing that naturally emerges out of beingness that is the doing that you need. That the world needs. You do what you do because you are what you are and you allow yourself to come into fullness, to come alive fully because you deserve it. Your beingness does. The world does. It’s all just a reflection of you.