a meditation on I AM

Emptiness. Nothingness within somethingness. There’s always something as long as I perceive. I perceive because I am aware even when I am asleep. Awareness doesn’t cease. Life doesn’t cease to exist. Even amidst death, life is present. Death is life transcending life, shifting life from one form to the next. Moving us across dimensions, moving us through time and space. Death is movement. Transformation. Giving even though it might feel like something being taken away. I fear death. I fear losing life even though I am aware that this is never truly the case.


For a long time I’ve been avoiding my humanness. It was as though I perceived myself as beyond feelings, neglecting them because I perceived myself, awareness, as superior and independent from all the different states of consciousness. The misconception was mainly the part about me being independent from them. Funny because I work with the Gene Keys and Human Design, systems that teach us we’re nothing but a unique combination of different states of consciousness, energy mechanics at work, no matter if we’re aware of them, or not. I find that to be only partly true.


As awareness aware of itself I can float and navigate through the different states, shifting from lower to higher frequencies and back and forth again. But what I really need to do is allow, accept and embrace each shadow as it arises within myself. I know that and I can’t help but watch myself wanting to escape these very shadow states. Judging them for their victim nature, judging them for their low frequencies, for their dense and contracted sensations within my “wholesome” beingness. “Okay, I gotcha. That’s enough. Thank you bye.” Because I don’t see them as part of me, I reject them. Because I don’t love myself in them, I’m afraid others won’t love me in my reactive and/or repressive natures either. So I avoid.


Spiritual bypassing is such a common trait in the bubble that I find myself in. Also seeing everyone else’s patterns but avoiding to see my own. Or the contrary, digging deeper and deeper to find my own flaws and not seeing what’s actually present now. Shifting so much focus (presence & attention) to my wounding, constantly afraid of the past repeating itself and therefor projecting it onto the future right away. Magic at work. Oh yea right, I remember I am the creator of my reality – oh watch your thoughts, control your thinking, don’t think that thought. Funny, isn’t it. That’s spiritual bypassing, too. Seemingly on another level and yet one and the same. Still thinking in circles instead of in spirals.


Human beings all wish to be happy, don’t they. So how do I get there without denying, rejecting and disowning what’s present now? Allow, accept and embrace. It is such a simple truth, my mind is deeply unsatisfied with that. It is temporarily losing its job and is trying really hard to convince me to give it back what it believes to be its main functioning.


Human Design is giving us a blueprint of our own unique energy mechanics. A combination of our unconscious physical body’s intelligence (the vehicle) and our conscious personality crystal (the passenger). What’s really important to understand here is that neither one of them is in charge of steering the ship. There is no driver. The passenger is merely supposed to look out of the window and enjoy the ride. What Human Design is not teaching us about is the presence of I AM. Probably because it is the very mystery that cannot be named or framed, not even by the most genius teachings, not by the planets, not by the different states of consciousness. It is the subtlest of the subtle. I am. Presence. Attention. Awareness. Here is where I would like to bring self-remembering into the picture.


To remember oneself means to remember oneself as presence and attention. In one word I’d say awareness. I am awareness experiencing different states of consciousness. I am awareness experiencing my unconscious vehicle and my conscious personality. I am awareness experiencing the outside world and I am awareness experiencing what’s present inside me. Awareness isn’t steering the ship either, consciousness is. The interconnectedness of all that is and isn’t, is. Call it life, god – this is collective consciousness who’s functioning and intelligence is way beyond what I am able to grasp at this point. And I don’t need to understand any of it in order to know my place. All I need to know is that I am not steering this ship. Does that mean I am unwilling to take responsibility for my thoughts and actions? No. I want to. I choose to. And here is how free will comes into play.


Through my unique blueprint, let’s call it cosmic conditioning, I AM (awareness) is gifted what we call free will. Meaning within my own matrix I get the chance to choose how to deal with it, how to deal with myself, with life, inside and out. Doesn’t seem so freeing after all but let’s stay with it for a bit. Awareness is made up of two components: presence and attention. You could say awareness is attention placed upon presence. Presence is always present, attention is always somewhere present. But only when attention is fully aware of presence, you are aware. One doesn’t need to be identified with what is present, in fact that only takes you further away from what actually is. So here’s the fine line I often find myself to be confronted with: Being fully engaged with a certain feeling and/or state of consciousness that’s present within presence, putting all of my attention there – and knowing when to merge out of it again, shifting my attention back to awareness. I am that I am. Nothing more, nothing less. That’s self-remembering.


Connecting to the sacred source within your being. Using free will / awareness to feel through all the different feelings – allowing, accepting and embracing all the different states of consciousness and trusting my own divine guidance to stay with that feeling for just as long as it actually lasts – so I can come back into a state of pure awareness, of beingness, of I am that I am. It’s quite a journey to not get lost in repeating the same patterns over and over again. But energies don’t want to be trapped in the same reoccurring old ways. They have a purpose. Energy is motion, it is movement. Everything on this planet is thriving for ascension. The underlying purpose of all shadow pattern frequencies is to trigger our awakening. To trigger our own unique way back to a sense of oneness, of source, beingness, of all that is – through AWARENESS.


The brief structure of a possible frame might be given but the path is solely yours to walk. There are guides and gods and goddesses, different beings guiding you along the way, reminding you of your-self but it is your way only. That’s what is meant by free will. You are free in how you walk it. How and if you embrace your wholesomeness by placing your attention where presence is ever patiently waiting for your recognition. How you allow it. If you accept it. The path is yours to walk. Don’t shy away from it. It is yours. Embrace it. It’s a present. It’s for you.




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