Once more I am surrendering to unknowingness. Not knowing what to write about, not knowing how I feel or what to say. Not knowing where to go and trusting myself anyways. I don’t know where this path is leading me. I have an idea, more like a feeling - not even. More a sensation, a vibration. It feels scary and yet it feels right.
It feels like I’m once more forced to let go of something I would rather hold on to. But I know that I need to let it go in order to evolve. In order to move passed that point of feeling stuck. I only feel stuck because this is not my way. Like when you walk into a dead-end street and there’s no way out. You need to turn back and look for a different path. And there it is unfolding before your very eyes.
Contrary to what some might believe, life is not ever punishing us. There’s this common phrase that there’s no rejection, merely re-direction. I believe that rejection is just as real as anything might appear to be. Rejection is forcing us to go back inside and pause and listen to what’s there. So apparently this is not the way. Alright then. Let’s see what unfolds instead. Without pushing away the painful feeling that rejection holds. Feeling it. Fully. Thoroughly. Anyways. Even though it hurts or especially because it does. Because pain is also here to teach us. Not to punish us. Pain is teaching us about life. About duality which we came here willingly to experience.
Willingly? One might ask. A part of me feels like it never wanted to come to this place. As if I was forced into the human experience once more. Maybe that’s what I still need to surrender to. My humanness. Feeling like a victim, feeling that I am forced to be alive like that. But something keeps telling me that I came here for a reason and that my soul agreed to this. I chose to be me. I chose my parents, my karma and my dharma. I chose my fate. I chose it because it was the path that would most likely lead me back to oneness. Truly being one with all that is through this very form. Through this body-mind vehicle. Through my essence in this life. Through my trauma and all the parts I once rejected that are still longing to become a part of me. Yes, something tells me that I chose this. And even if I wouldn’t believe that I would still know that everything happens for a reason. Otherwise how could it manifest? Out of all the infinite possible realities that could take shape in any given moment - THIS is the one that manifests. This is the only one we have conscious access to, the only one we can recall if we choose to. The only one that appears to be „real“.
So why deny it? Why doubt it? Why question it? It is what manifests and therefor it is honorable. Honor is a funny thing. Very much bought into the concept of duality. We believe that certain things are honorable and others are not. We are constantly judging what’s appearing and if we judge the “wrong” thing as good (or bad) we are condemned by those who hold what they believe to be morality.
Life has taught me otherwise. Life has taught me to not judge. Which doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions, my mind certainly does and it’s part of what makes me me. I don’t judge that either. What I observe is that as soon as I judge what is appearing as “not good enough” or “should be somewhat different” - life acts accordingly. We are so powerful that reality literally mirrors our beliefs. If I believe that something’s “wrong” with what is just appearing, I immediately tap out of alignment. Now that brings up another thing: We cannot not be aligned. But it can certainly feel like that. For sure.
To tap out of alignment is to judge what is appearing. And so life feels wrong, a situation, a person, a circumstance - literally feels wrong. Why? Because my mind bought into that idea. And why did it do that? Because it didn’t like what was appearing. I don’t want to feel this way right now so I play god and I reject it. Which is funny because “god” wouldn’t even do that. But our idea of god is so twisted that we believe that that’s the way to go. Don’t like it? Judge it. Hate it. Condemn it. And maybe it will go away.
Which of course it doesn’t. Life simply finds another way. You don’t want to face it in this relationship? Here’s another one for you. You don’t want to feel what you’ve suppressed in this way? Let me show you another one then. Life is very creative. There is no way around to feel what we came here to feel. To go through what we need to go through. To align with our true selves. Our true path.
For each person there is a unique and wondrous path that’s made for them individually to flourish and to contribute to the highest possible outcome for the whole of existence. And when I say “high” I speak of vibrations. You can be in alignment with the lowest possible vibration that you hold and you can be in alignment with the highest possible one. But we don’t “get there” by feeling good all the time. Life will teach you otherwise.
We “get there” by letting go of trying to get anywhere. We align with it by trusting that each and every experience is specifically made for us. Once we let go of wishing life to be different, we allow life to be what it actually is. Everything. Black and white and dark and light and all the colors combined which at times look like muddy awfully confusing grey. And that’s okay. Life is all of it and it is teaching us to accept that. To honor that. To let go of trying to change it. And then suddenly magically as we relax and accept and see each moment for what it truly is - life slows down and relaxes. Life becomes easy. The pains don’t disappear, why would they? After all it’s just energies moving through us, moving from one place to the next. We are vessels, vehicles, channels of life. And we are here to experience all of it and to trust that there’s no such thing as right or wrong. Good or bad. There just is. Life simply is. It will always remain a mystery and as much as I would love to know more, I don’t. And I accept that. I surrender to it.
Unknowingness. An unknowing conscious and unconscious mess of knowing nothing and yet trusting all. Letting go of the illusion of control. And just letting life be life. Trusting my body as a compass that’s designed specifically for me to serve me and the whole of existence in the best possible way. Words always fail to describe that. It might sound as if I was still judging between a lower and a higher self. I am not judging. I am choosing and I am aligning to what feels right to me in any given moment. Which might change in a blink of an eye. All I can ever know is that it is right for me in this moment in time. That’s all.
Nothing more but also nothing less. I feel grateful to know this much. That I came here to trust myself. And once I feel safe in myself and only then - can I truly feel safe in the world with what ever it wishes to confront me with. Peace, war, love, rejection, re-direction, confrontation of any sort. Made for me to grow into my purpose. Purpose is nothing to find. It is something to unveil because it’s deeply hidden in our DNA. It will unveil once we let go of trying to find it outside of us. Outside of this present moment, projecting it onto some random possible reality in the future. It is here. Right here. It might not speak to you yet. Give it some time. And trust. That’s the lesson we all share.
Trust in life and the righteousness of it although it seems unpleasant. Although it might seem unfair and wrong and bad to its core. It is not. It is here to teach us something. Always. Always. I promise you. You are right here right now perfect as you are. There’s nothing to achieve. And the moment you truly believe that with all your being, you will see it mirrored back at you. But don’t wait for it to come to you. You need to take that leap of faith all by yourself. I might lead you or guide you or shine a light for you at times but I won’t come with you all the way. It is a jump and we cannot do it together. Because it is a choice we each have to make.
I’ve been trying really hard to push people, to take their hand, to try to show them somehow. I can’t. I am not god and neither are you. We are the universe listening to itself. We are god in the sense that we create our own realities based on what we believe. But we can’t be each other’s gods and goddesses, that just leads us further away from truth. In this life no-one ever comes to save anyone. We came here to save ourselves. That’s the game. So don’t waste your energy on someone else’s path. Invest it in your own. If everyone would do that, there would be no-one left to worry about.
So inspire each other by being yourselves. Shine your light on the world for the sake of your own being not for what feels like recognition flattering your ego in the end. And ego is nothing bad, it’s just misleading to feed it when really what you want is to show your self some love. Your essence is love. It’s what we all are made of. Love is already fully there and love doesn’t need anything. It’s complete. We need to unveil and unravel our layers of protection we created to somewhat protect what doesn’t even need our protection.
Love hurts? Love doesn’t hurt at all. The walls around our hearts hurt. The parts we have rejected are hurting because they lack our love. Trust that pain will pass, emptiness will pass, rage and anger and loneliness and all the ways that we feel separate from love - will pass. At the end only love remains for love is the essence of existence. The essence of life. We’re here to unravel all the rest so we can rest in what remains. Love. Is-ness. Being-ness. Presence. Right here. Right now. Already there. Already it.